I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.