A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
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I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*