Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
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I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
a badder mouse
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”