Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
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The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]