[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
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When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.