You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
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ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.