The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
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I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker