*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
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Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Ok but actually
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
@ candidates for local office