Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
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Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
kids play hide and seek like
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.