Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password ex…
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.