Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
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Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Breaking news:
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Can’t stop laughing
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good