Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
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WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Here’s a meme
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses