Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over