BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
You Might Also Like
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.