FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
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“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Peace was never an option
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?