Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
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When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
TRAIN’S HERE
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.