But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
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Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!