[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.