ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
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Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.