5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
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On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.