“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
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scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
i will avenge u mr van gogh
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch