If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
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My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns