We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
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i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.