ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”