Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
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this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
yeah 😭
Note to self: always read the final line
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work