[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
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My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.