Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
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instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up