If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
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[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“No way.” -Jose
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*