WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
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friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
me irl
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”