Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
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Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today