Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
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What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.