I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
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This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
This is hilarious….
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.