“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
This week’s mood.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
O Wise One….