Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
😂😂
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”