Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Just grow your own
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.