Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
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It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit