Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.