new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
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“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.