No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
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Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic