It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
You Might Also Like
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
scrabbled eggs
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]