I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
You Might Also Like
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
That’s easy for you to say
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”