the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.