Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
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Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.