6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
You Might Also Like
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.