Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
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PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
congratulations to them
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
This story is comedy gold 😂
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️