Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
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We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Warm pools make me nervous.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]