Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
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I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.