My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
You Might Also Like
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.