My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
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[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.