“our sushi is very fresh”
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[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
So the ex texted me
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam